Reader Appeal

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following appeal:

"I'm looking to start a powerful new secret society, here in Stoke. Influential people and professionals from local industry are welcome to join. Grunt workers and scroungers are not. I'm looking to get into the puppet master game. I would like us to rule Stoke from the shadows, as well as hopefully being involved in lots of other shady dealings and conspiracies. I have a coat of arms and secret handshake ready to use. My mum says we can use her house for meetings. She will also provide sarnies and crisps."

If you're interested, please get in touch with Chubb.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 3: The Death of Paul McCartney

We all know that Wings and Frog Chorus frontman Paul McCartney died in 1966 and was replaced by a lookalike. However, what if I spat into your open mouth like you were a cheap hooker and told you that this was all a lie and it was actually John Lennon who had really died and been doppelganged?

Secret documents, bearing the legend "For Your Eyes Only", meaning it's not intended for plebs like us, but for people high up in government, have been shown to me confirming that Lennon died in a car crash soon after England won the World Cup in the summer of 1966. Worried about the impact this may have on the nation's good mood and the economy, the then government insisted that The Beatles replace Lennon, which they did with lookalike competition winner Kev Barry. The rumour was then spread that McCartney had died and been replaced because this was easy to disprove if required, and meant that no-one would suspect that it was John who had actually died.

Clues were left by the remaining Beatles for fans to find. The cover of "Abbey Road" shows John at the front, dressed in heavenly white, to show he is dead but in the good place. John is also the only Beatle with hands in his pockets, to hide his fingerprints and thus cover the fact that he is not the original John. Also, When 'Revolution 9' is played backwards, the replacement John clearly says "Turn me on, I'm a dead man, yeah."

Lennon's relationship with Yoko Ono is also a significant indicator of Lennon's death as Kev Barry (John's replacement) was notoriously a fan of Asian babes, subscribing to at least three different magazines on the subject before he replaced the dead Beatle.

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No. 2: The Moon Landings

There are lazy bozos out there who claim that the moon landings were faked and that the landing footage was filmed in a big studio out in the desert somewhere.

FALSE!

The truth is that man didn't land on the moon, but actually landed on Mars! According to documents I've seen, marked as "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you", NASA didn't think that the world was ready for man landing on Mars so they just pretended Mars was the Moon. This is why the photographs of the landings have shadows in all the wrong places (if they were on the moon) and lead people to believe that they were faked.

Next time: Noel Edmonds

Conspiracy Corner With Dave Munton

No.1: The Assassination of JFK

The accepted version of events today is that Frank Sinatra killed JFK. But what if I told you that it wasn't "ol' blue eyes" who offed JFK after all?

I have seen top secret documents that suggest that it was Lee Harvey Oswald who killed JFK, and he set it up for Frank Sinatra and his mafia buddies to get the blame. After getting arrested, Harvey's plan was that the blame would be put onto Sinatra and he would get away with the murder.

However, he didn't reckon with Jack Ruby, who knew the truth and killed him, but was then silenced by Richard Nixon, as part of his conspiracy to eventually become president, and the blame remained on Sinatra. The Kaiser Chiefs commemorated Ruby by writing a song about him, 'Ruby', which reached number one in the hit parade.

David Murray: "I Have Been Reborn!"

Emerging in front of the assembled press pack at Quasar at Festival Park wearing only a purple velvet track suit, (and no pants or shoes, as he was keen to point out,) film critic David Murray, who was recently declared missing for over a week, stunned journalists by announcing that he was the son of god!

"I have been reborn to fight evil on the planet," said Murray. "Evil forces have ruled the world for centuries and I have come back, with the power of God, to try to help the world."

To the bewilderment of all assembled, Murray went on to describe conspiracy theories involving monarchs, world leaders, aliens, badgers and more!

"This shadowy ruling network is responsible for everything in the world, from 11/9, as it should be called, to the disaster in New Orleans and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. My mission is now to make people aware of this conspiracy against humanity and to fight their future plans. That is all."

Murray's publicist added that he was planning on writing books about his experience and mission, and will be going on a lecture tour in the near future.