Reader Appeal

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following appeal:

"I'm looking to start a powerful new secret society, here in Stoke. Influential people and professionals from local industry are welcome to join. Grunt workers and scroungers are not. I'm looking to get into the puppet master game. I would like us to rule Stoke from the shadows, as well as hopefully being involved in lots of other shady dealings and conspiracies. I have a coat of arms and secret handshake ready to use. My mum says we can use her house for meetings. She will also provide sarnies and crisps."

If you're interested, please get in touch with Chubb.

Man Gets Driving Ban For Protecting Children From Monsters

A Stokie has been punished after he was caught travelling with four children in the boot of his car. He said he did it to keep them safe from any potential monsters, including the Fegg Hayes Yeti.

Staffordshire Police found a total of 11 people in Barry Chomp's Vauxhall Nova when they stopped him in Fegg Hayes last year. One passenger was in the driver's seat, three adults and two children were squeezed into the back, and officers discovered four more children in the boot.

A recent picture of the Fegg Hayes Yeti

Chomp was convicted of endangering his passengers and of driving without licence or insurance earlier this week at Fenton Magistrates Court. He also was fined £5.50 and banned from driving illegally.

Chomp plans to appeal the decision.

Jesus Statue Weeps Beer

A statue of Jesus eating an oatcake in Tunstall has become a pilgrimage for Christians after it began weeping beer.

"It's truly an Easter miracle," Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Burslem said. "Proof that Jesus is real and has answered our prayers."

Located at the centre of Tunstall town plaza, the statue was built in 1789 to represent oatcakes as the chosen food of God. It started weeping beer yesterday morning, Easter Sunday.

"I see it as a gift from the Easter Badger himself," drinker Steve Dave said. "He always looks after us."

Annual Badger Hunt Beckons Easter

Everyone from dumpy school kids to junkies to old people to the city's criminals on death row in HMP Werrington have come together for the annual badger hunt that marks the traditional start to the city's Easter festivities.

"The Easter Badger story goes back centuries, even pre-dating Christianity," Easter eggs-pert Tony Bates said. "It was said that the Easter Badger died for our sins, but was then resurrected on Easter Sunday. The story was stolen by them god-damned Christians. True story."

The Easter Badger traditionally brings chocolate badger eggs to children in exchange for the killing of the badger's natural enemy, the baboon.

To celebrate Easter, Stoke hosts a city-wide badger hunt every year on Good Friday, in the belief that one day, one of the culled badgers will resurrect and show itself to be the second coming of the Easter Badger.

Stokie Makes Mars Mission

Nigel Tanner from Middleport has defended NASA's forthcoming one-way mission to Mars as being vital for scientific research.

The unemployed father of seven, currently living at girlfriend's mum's council flat in Bog End Street, was chosen as one of 100 people who will be jetting off to the red planet in 10 years time to begin preparations for colonisation.

"This mission will lay the foundations for the seemingly inevitable human habitation of Mars," Tanner said. "I'm over the moon, literally, to be a part of it."

Tanner, who has appeared on The Jeremy Kyle Show 3 times, has been described as a layabout and scrounger by his recent ex-wife Tracy, claims that he refutes.

"Yeah I got no job, but she don't even know me," he said. "Bitch just jealous I got with her best friend, yo. And she's one to talk, she been sucking dick for crack, ai."

Bigfoot Sighting Starts New Theories

A sighting of Stoke's very own Central Forest Park Bigfoot in Cannock Chase last week has sent experts literally wild with excitement.

Cod Fortune, a knob-tweaker from Stafford, reported seeing Bigfoot in the area on Saturday night, the second such sighting in the past seven years.

Danny Boner, professor of law at Staffordshire University and author of 'Bigfoot: The Wild Years', 'Bigfoot: My Part In His Downfall' and 'Contract Law For Business: The Definitive Guide', said that this is massive news in the Bigfoot world.

"This is literally a game changer," he said. "Why was he or she there? Was it a holiday? Visiting previously unknown (to us) relatives in the area? Was he or she just dicking about? The debates will be endless. Bring your own booze. And plenty of it."

Mewtwo Spotted In Fegg Hayes

Several reports have come in of (a) Mewtwo being spotted in northern Stoke.

"He mumbled something about getting revenge on humanity or something," Bev Biggs, one of the witnesses said. "Seemed a bit nuts to be honest."

"He was wandering around looking lost," Gary Gobbler added. "I could have taken it if I wanted to."

Man From The Past Misses Pulis

A mysterious man who travelled through time from the past to present day Stoke has said that his biggest regret is not waving goodbye to Tony Pulis when he left Stoke City.

Dave Monkey claims he is from January 2013, and that he transported to the present day via a time portal in Sneyd Green.

"If I'd known TP was going to leave Stoke I would have travelled back in time to when he first took charge so that I could enjoy him for longer," Monkey said.

"We were dubious at first, but he does know a lot about the time he comes from," scientist Larry Candles said. "He knows all the words to 'Call Me Maybe'."

Treasure Island

Treasure Island is the smallest island on Benny Island, on Lake Baps, the largest lake on Benny Island. It is so called because it contains absolutely no treasure, nor has any ever been found there, even though it used to house pirates who operated on the lake. The island does contain some of the world's oldest cave paintings, though these are considered worthless.

Dragon Roast Island

Dragon Roast Island is the largest island on Benny Island, located on Lake Zora, the smallest lake on Benny Island. The island is home to Death Mountain, one of the biggest free standing rock formations in Stoke.

An unusual weather phenomenon means that the top of the mountain is always covered in clouds, even if there is no others in the sky. Legend says that these clouds are actually smoke produced by Grumpy Ole Terry, the dragon that lives on top of the mountain, who spends his days chucking rocks at passers by down below.