Man Arrested For Ghost Prank

A man from Norton has been arrested by police for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises.

"We can confirm that a man has been arrested by us for hanging around cemeteries and making ghost noises," Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks told reporters. "The details can be found on our Facebook page."

The man, known only as Ken Kippers, was arrested by officers after a two year long sting operation where they followed the man for 24 hours a day, 6 days a week (not Sundays), which included setting up webcams in his house, tapping his phones and internet and following him while hiding in boxes. He was finally arrested while taunting mourners at the funeral of an old woman killed by the Stoke Strangler.

Evil Cat Alert

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout for an evil cat in Hanford.

"I saw it last night from my bedroom window, on top of my shed," Jane Cookies said. "It looked up at me then did a shit."

"I came home to see the cat pissing on my sofa," reported Mary Muggins. "It was looking at me as it did it, the bastard."

The cat is described as being black with evil eyes.

Man Creates Sentient Robot, Won't Let Anyone See It

Local inventor Gam Beatles, from Sneyd Green, has invented the world's first truly sentient robot capable of experiencing human emotions, but it has started to suffer from anxiety and doesn't want to be seen by anybody else, or so Gam claims.

"Terry, as he's called, started off right as rain, but the more he learned about humanity and the world today, the more stressed he has become," Gam explained. "He can't really leave the house right now. Bringing the mood of the place right down. I might have to start claiming benefits for him."

"This is an incredible scientific breakthrough, perhaps the greatest of them all," Professor Dave Stevens of Staffordshire University's Ethics and Celebrities Division commented. "The issues raised by this are literally infinite and the inventor must carry a heavy weight on his shoulders having to deal with this."

"To be honest, I made him mainly so that he could pick out the winners of the horse races for me," Gam added. "Since I met my missus I don't have that much time to get down the bookies like I used to so I thought I'd make a robot to do it for me. Hasn't really gone to plan."