Business As Usual

Stoke's Council of Elders has advised Stokies to go about their business as usual despite the presence of a giant UFO that is hovering over the city.

"The UFO is no threat to Stoke and people should get on with their lives as normal," Elders spokesman Barry Riley advised. "Stopping in the streets and gawping up at it is a health and safety risk to drivers and people who do it will be prosecuted."

The UFO arrived three days ago and has hovered over the city ever since. No contact has been made with the ship or its inhabitants.

"The UFO will leave when it is good and ready," added Mr Riley. "Furthermore, we do not want any locals to try and rob it. We caught one man trying to reach it with a massive ladder. We will be watching."

On The (Grave) Rob

Staffordshire Police have confirmed that they are investigating a spate of grave robberies across the city which have involved the theft of several dead bodies.

"We're at a loss as to why this is happening," said police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "We've literally got no idea. Why anybody would want a dead body is beyond me. Unless it's for deviant purposes, then it would make sense, in a funny kind of way."

Man To Create "Frankenstein" Monster For Charity

Trent Vale caretaker Jim Bonkers has decided to take on an ambitious project for charity: he is going to create a monster from dead body parts!

"The idea struck me when I was watching 'Hollyoaks' one day," said the 55-year-old. "I wondered what would happen if I mixed together my favourite parts from my favourite actresses on the show to create one perfect super hot slut. I thought it sounded good."

Mr Bonkers has not disclosed where he will get the body parts from. "Seems legit though," he explained.

All money raised will go to the Help For Heroes charity. "I see all the coverage they get in the media so I know it must all be good work that's above board," says Jim.

Donations can be made by going to the Just Giving website and searching for "Bonkers monster".

Mr Bonkers hopes to unveil the monster before the end of the year. "Once I've got the body parts, I will have to set about re-animating my monster. This could take days if not weeks of research. I'll then need to train the monster for polite society. This will be my biggest challenge," he explains.

The Ghost Of Christmas Past?

Did the ghost of Michael Jackson visit Stoke over Christmas? That's what Cobridge resident Deb Ridehard says happened, regardless of your answer to that first question.

"MJ flew into my room on Christmas Eve after my parents had sent me to bed," Deb wrote on her Tumblr blog. "He cuddled me and told me Santa would come soon."

Jacko, known as the "Kong of Pop", was a Jehovah's Witness but later changed his religion to something else that allowed him to celebrate Christmas, something he did every year by inviting lots of children to his house.

"MJ got into bed with me and stroked my hair til I fell asleep," Deb added. "He didn't nonce me off or nothing. Haters gonna hate."