Monday, 22 April 2013

Man Claims To Come From Alternate Dimension

A Stoke man arrested at the weekend and charged with public tom-foolery and urination has been released without bail pending further investigations after he claimed to come from an alternate reality and is only here by accident.

Ken Chegwin, 51, made the claims to officers at Hanley Police Station during a routine cigarette break in the station's car park, while standing next to the police's high speed pursuit vehicle, a 6 speed, white Vauxhall Nova with a 1.7 litre turbo injection engine, walnut dash and alloys.

Ken Chegwin

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks explained further. "Ken asked our officers if they wanted to know a special secret. Of course they did: rule three in the Staffordshire Police handbook says that you always answer 'yes' if anyone asks you if you want to know a secret. Ken told them that he came from a fantastical world, not unlike ours, yet better in every way. He ended up in our reality because of a rip in the space-time continuum and is trying to get home again."

Despite the outrageous claim, PC Shanks thinks that further investigations are justified. "Normally, we wouldn't bother with a case like this, we get two or three a week, and a similar number of people claiming to be Sam Beckett from 'Quantum Leap' trapped in a crim's body. But the level of minute detail Ken gave us, like the fact that the police rule the country in his reality and that the weather is better and that chlamidya has been eradicated mean that we should at least investigate his claims before deciding what further action to take."

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Thatcher's Ghost Spotted In Stoke

Stokie and Maggie Thatchers fan Phil Umney got the shock of his life last night when he saw the ghost of the former dictator go past his bedroom window!

"I was writhing around on my bedroom floor, enjoying the feel of my freshly cleaned and plumped carpet fibres against my skin," says the Brindley Ford resident. "As I looked up, I saw Thatchers go past my bedroom window! It was definitely her, I would recognise those nob-eyes, candy floss hair and giblet jowls anywhere, it couldn't have been anyone else."


Not content with his experience, Mr Umney decided to get help.

"I woke my Mum and got her to put on a Thatchers outfit I just happened to own," explained the crazy-paver. "I got her to recreate the ghost of Thatchers's footsteps while I filmed it from several different angles, lest anyone accuse me of making the story up. Ghosts are REAL, deal with it bitches."