12 Ghosts of Christmas (9)

The backstage changing rooms at Hanley gentlemen's club Lapland UK are said to be haunted. Performers claim to have heard strange noises in there on many occasions.

Dave Munton, sexual innovator

Owner of the club, explorer and sexual philosopher Dave Munton, says he has been investigating for several years but has yet to reach any solid conclusions on the matter. "This is the best damn titty bar in Stoke," he says. "And I'll be bollocksed if I let ghosts ruin it. So I've installed cameras in all backstage areas to look for signs."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (8)

Longton resident Sarah Dumpton claimed to be the first woman ever to marry a ghost! She took her vows to spirit husband Kevin at St Terry's Methodist Chapel in June 2010.

A still of Sarah Dumpton taken from one of her sex tapes

Sarah also claims to have had sex with ghost husband Kevin. "We romped once," says Sarah. "And that romp was exceptional."

However, it was later revealed that a woman from Kentucky [Caylee Gash] in America had already married a ghost lover some years before. Sarah's marriage fizzled out soon after. Ghost husband Kevin has yet to respond to Sarah's solicitor's petition to end the marriage.

12 Ghosts of Christmas (7)

Fisherman Bill Spatz was fishing in the Trent and Mersey Canal in Etruria when he claims to have caught a ghost fish!

Bill Spatz, last week

"The canal was angry that day," said Bill. "Aye, and the sky, she too was filled with rage, my friend. T'was like a normal fish, as I recall, deep into the embers of my fading memory, but see through and ghosty. T'was a bad sign, so I left it on the bank to die an unnatural death and vowed ne'er to trouble them waters again. I now go to Lake Burslem."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (6)

Local boyband 'Boyz 4 Life' were rehearsing dance moves in the garage behind a butcher's shop in Goldenhill when lead singer "S-Bomb" (real name: Makenzee Slack) was hit in the face by a flying spanner! Bang! Have some of that!

Boyz 4 Life publicity shot

The band thinks a poltergeist was responsible. They don't think it was a comment on their performance.

12 Ghosts of Christmas (5)

Dave Murray was enjoying his weekly visit to a massage parlour in Cobridge when he opened his eyes to see that the "masseuse" hadn't even started and he was being wanked off by a ghost!

How many of these properties are massage parlours?

"I just let it carry on," explained Mr Murray, who recently paid two tramps to fight each other. "It was too late to stop by the time I realised."

12 Ghost of Christmas (4)

Single mother-of-three Chloe Dogg (not related to Snoop), 17, was taking a hard-earned cigarette break away from her kids near to her house in Packmoor when she was flashed by the ghost of a miner!

Packmoor's Commercial District

"He 'ad one of them there 'elmets wi' a light on top," Chloe explains, just in case you were wondering how she knew it was a miner. "I'll tell thee now, if I catch up wi' it, I'll smack its bastard face in," Chloe added, warning the ghost of her anger at his actions. "What kinda woman does t' ghost take me for? Does I look like a slag?"

12 Ghosts of Christmas (3)

Colin Bunting returned to his house in Burslem after caning it "big time" during a night on the lash to discover a ghost watching the Babestation TV channel on his new HD TV! Colin tried to burn the ghost with fire, but the ghost escaped and Colin only succeeded in burning his house down.



Some green belt land in Burslem



Fortunately, he was insured against such an incident and now lives in a log cabin near to Lake Burslem. Result!

12 Ghosts of Christmas (2)

Dave David was a bog standard burglar in Bentilee, nothing remarkable about him. Until he got attacked by a poltergeist in 2007 while ransacking his own grandmother's house!

Bentilee-born darts player Ted Hankey

The attack was so vicious it left Dave needing a metal plate to be screwed into his armpit.

"I deserved the beating," admits Dave. "Never shit on your own doorstep, that's what they say... whoever they are."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (1)

In May 1995, Melanie Jobson was giving a beat down to a rival prostitute who had invaded her "turf" in Cobridge when she was attacked by the ghost of a prostitute who had died on that road ten years before!

Cobridge's most famous landmark?

Melanie survived the ghostly attack but died in 1998 after being run over by a hovercraft driven by a drunk driver. Don't drink and drive folks!

Jonathan Wilkes: I'm Not Retarded!

If there was an award for Stoke's "Man of the Year", Jonathan Wilkes would have been nominated for it on many an occasion, especially the years he was host of 'You've Been Framed', 2003-2004.

But a mere two months ago, roly poly Scottish TV host Eamonn Holmes shocked the TV viewing public on 'This Morning' when he called our Jonathan "retarded" live on air!

"Retarded?"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2046718/Eamonn-Holmes-apologises-calling-Jonathan-Wilkes-retarded-This-Morning.html

A mere two months later, JW has responded to the furore by saying that he's not retarded and that he hopes this won't dissuade the producers of 'This Morning' from having him on as a guest again. Here's hoping, J, here's hoping.

Joe Swash: I Believe!

Cockney actor Joe Swash, about to star in panto at Hanley's Regent Theatre as Aladdin, is a big time celebrity who believes in ghosts.

"I used to go out with Kara Tointon"

Joe made a show entitled 'I Believe in Ghosts', broadcast on BBC Three in May of last year. It's probably not still available on the BBC iPlayer.

Not all the reveiews of the show were positive. TV Throng made comments such as "Joe Swash is an idiot", "no matter how dimwitted Joe Swash is, he's nowhere near as stupid as someone who thinks it's a good idea to give him a job" and "Joe Swash and his team of retards had got something to chill his stupid little spine" upon hearing a voice in the background during filming.

http://www.tvthrong.co.uk/i-believe-ghosts-joe-swash/i-believe-ghosts-joe-swash-aka-fooling-village-idiot

Clips from the show are on YouTube should you wish to see them.

Your Questions Answered!

Here are a selection of your questions. And my answers.

Q: "Are you for real?" - Keith Punch
A: Interesting, very interesting. Look at my face, just look at my face.

Q: "Who'll win 'The X Factor'?" - Terry Stafford, Stafford
A: Don't know, don't care.

Q: "What's the biggest ghost you've ever seen?" - Steve Klemp
A: I've never seen a ghost. But, I know of a woman (Mary Hinchnipple) who claims she once saw the ghost of an ice cream van.

"Stick a Flake in it, duck"

Q: "Do you believe in parallel dimensions?" - Leeanne Holdcroft, Fenton
A: Don't be ridiculous, there's no evidence of such things.

Q: "What's the most haunted part of Stoke?" - Janet Suggs
A: In terms of ghosts, probably Burslem or Tunstall. But Fegg Hayes is scarier.

Q: "Do you read minds?" - Jamie Wootton, London
A: I don't, but I can tell you're an idiot without being able to read minds.

Q: "Why have there been no people with super powers from Chernobyl?" - Chip Goodberry, Atlanta (USA)
A: Good question. I'd like to think there's still time, but this has been a big disappointment. When the disaster happened, I thought, 'Finally, some real life superheroes.' Although, admittedly, I was worried the commies would train any supermen as evil super soldiers. But it's never happened. Maybe there was no disaster, just a big cover up of something else...

So there you have it. Keep sending your questions and leaving comments!

Contact Monty!

Send me your questions! Either leave a comment or contact me via my google/blogger profile and I will put your world to rights! Either that, or I will forward your comments to the Police if they are hateful. You have been warned.

Crop Circle Convictions!

Two Stoke men, Nigel Neville and Phil Gaylord, have become the first people in Britain to be convicted of creating a crop circle. The pair, members of the choir at St Terry the Enforcer’s Church, created a 36 metre diameter crop circle in a sprout field near Bagnall. Discovered by Police working security at a nearby cockfight, they said in court that they were doing God’s work and only God could judge them.

Nigel and Phil outside Fenton Magistrates Court

This attitude did not go down well with presiding Judge Blairs, who sentenced the pair to 5 years hard labour. Judge Blairs, who fought for General Franco in the Spanish Civil War, plans on spending his retirement by watching Britney Spears videos.