12 Ghosts of Christmas (9)

The backstage changing rooms at Hanley gentlemen's club Lapland UK are said to be haunted. Performers claim to have heard strange noises in there on many occasions.

Dave Munton, sexual innovator

Owner of the club, explorer and sexual philosopher Dave Munton, says he has been investigating for several years but has yet to reach any solid conclusions on the matter. "This is the best damn titty bar in Stoke," he says. "And I'll be bollocksed if I let ghosts ruin it. So I've installed cameras in all backstage areas to look for signs."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (8)

Longton resident Sarah Dumpton claimed to be the first woman ever to marry a ghost! She took her vows to spirit husband Kevin at St Terry's Methodist Chapel in June 2010.

A still of Sarah Dumpton taken from one of her sex tapes

Sarah also claims to have had sex with ghost husband Kevin. "We romped once," says Sarah. "And that romp was exceptional."

However, it was later revealed that a woman from Kentucky [Caylee Gash] in America had already married a ghost lover some years before. Sarah's marriage fizzled out soon after. Ghost husband Kevin has yet to respond to Sarah's solicitor's petition to end the marriage.

12 Ghosts of Christmas (7)

Fisherman Bill Spatz was fishing in the Trent and Mersey Canal in Etruria when he claims to have caught a ghost fish!

Bill Spatz, last week

"The canal was angry that day," said Bill. "Aye, and the sky, she too was filled with rage, my friend. T'was like a normal fish, as I recall, deep into the embers of my fading memory, but see through and ghosty. T'was a bad sign, so I left it on the bank to die an unnatural death and vowed ne'er to trouble them waters again. I now go to Lake Burslem."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (6)

Local boyband 'Boyz 4 Life' were rehearsing dance moves in the garage behind a butcher's shop in Goldenhill when lead singer "S-Bomb" (real name: Makenzee Slack) was hit in the face by a flying spanner! Bang! Have some of that!

Boyz 4 Life publicity shot

The band thinks a poltergeist was responsible. They don't think it was a comment on their performance.

12 Ghosts of Christmas (5)

Dave Murray was enjoying his weekly visit to a massage parlour in Cobridge when he opened his eyes to see that the "masseuse" hadn't even started and he was being wanked off by a ghost!

How many of these properties are massage parlours?

"I just let it carry on," explained Mr Murray, who recently paid two tramps to fight each other. "It was too late to stop by the time I realised."

12 Ghost of Christmas (4)

Single mother-of-three Chloe Dogg (not related to Snoop), 17, was taking a hard-earned cigarette break away from her kids near to her house in Packmoor when she was flashed by the ghost of a miner!

Packmoor's Commercial District

"He 'ad one of them there 'elmets wi' a light on top," Chloe explains, just in case you were wondering how she knew it was a miner. "I'll tell thee now, if I catch up wi' it, I'll smack its bastard face in," Chloe added, warning the ghost of her anger at his actions. "What kinda woman does t' ghost take me for? Does I look like a slag?"

12 Ghosts of Christmas (3)

Colin Bunting returned to his house in Burslem after caning it "big time" during a night on the lash to discover a ghost watching the Babestation TV channel on his new HD TV! Colin tried to burn the ghost with fire, but the ghost escaped and Colin only succeeded in burning his house down.



Some green belt land in Burslem



Fortunately, he was insured against such an incident and now lives in a log cabin near to Lake Burslem. Result!

12 Ghosts of Christmas (2)

Dave David was a bog standard burglar in Bentilee, nothing remarkable about him. Until he got attacked by a poltergeist in 2007 while ransacking his own grandmother's house!

Bentilee-born darts player Ted Hankey

The attack was so vicious it left Dave needing a metal plate to be screwed into his armpit.

"I deserved the beating," admits Dave. "Never shit on your own doorstep, that's what they say... whoever they are."

12 Ghosts of Christmas (1)

In May 1995, Melanie Jobson was giving a beat down to a rival prostitute who had invaded her "turf" in Cobridge when she was attacked by the ghost of a prostitute who had died on that road ten years before!

Cobridge's most famous landmark?

Melanie survived the ghostly attack but died in 1998 after being run over by a hovercraft driven by a drunk driver. Don't drink and drive folks!

Jonathan Wilkes: I'm Not Retarded!

If there was an award for Stoke's "Man of the Year", Jonathan Wilkes would have been nominated for it on many an occasion, especially the years he was host of 'You've Been Framed', 2003-2004.

But a mere two months ago, roly poly Scottish TV host Eamonn Holmes shocked the TV viewing public on 'This Morning' when he called our Jonathan "retarded" live on air!

"Retarded?"

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2046718/Eamonn-Holmes-apologises-calling-Jonathan-Wilkes-retarded-This-Morning.html

A mere two months later, JW has responded to the furore by saying that he's not retarded and that he hopes this won't dissuade the producers of 'This Morning' from having him on as a guest again. Here's hoping, J, here's hoping.

Joe Swash: I Believe!

Cockney actor Joe Swash, about to star in panto at Hanley's Regent Theatre as Aladdin, is a big time celebrity who believes in ghosts.

"I used to go out with Kara Tointon"

Joe made a show entitled 'I Believe in Ghosts', broadcast on BBC Three in May of last year. It's probably not still available on the BBC iPlayer.

Not all the reveiews of the show were positive. TV Throng made comments such as "Joe Swash is an idiot", "no matter how dimwitted Joe Swash is, he's nowhere near as stupid as someone who thinks it's a good idea to give him a job" and "Joe Swash and his team of retards had got something to chill his stupid little spine" upon hearing a voice in the background during filming.

http://www.tvthrong.co.uk/i-believe-ghosts-joe-swash/i-believe-ghosts-joe-swash-aka-fooling-village-idiot

Clips from the show are on YouTube should you wish to see them.

Your Questions Answered!

Here are a selection of your questions. And my answers.

Q: "Are you for real?" - Keith Punch
A: Interesting, very interesting. Look at my face, just look at my face.

Q: "Who'll win 'The X Factor'?" - Terry Stafford, Stafford
A: Don't know, don't care.

Q: "What's the biggest ghost you've ever seen?" - Steve Klemp
A: I've never seen a ghost. But, I know of a woman (Mary Hinchnipple) who claims she once saw the ghost of an ice cream van.

"Stick a Flake in it, duck"

Q: "Do you believe in parallel dimensions?" - Leeanne Holdcroft, Fenton
A: Don't be ridiculous, there's no evidence of such things.

Q: "What's the most haunted part of Stoke?" - Janet Suggs
A: In terms of ghosts, probably Burslem or Tunstall. But Fegg Hayes is scarier.

Q: "Do you read minds?" - Jamie Wootton, London
A: I don't, but I can tell you're an idiot without being able to read minds.

Q: "Why have there been no people with super powers from Chernobyl?" - Chip Goodberry, Atlanta (USA)
A: Good question. I'd like to think there's still time, but this has been a big disappointment. When the disaster happened, I thought, 'Finally, some real life superheroes.' Although, admittedly, I was worried the commies would train any supermen as evil super soldiers. But it's never happened. Maybe there was no disaster, just a big cover up of something else...

So there you have it. Keep sending your questions and leaving comments!

Contact Monty!

Send me your questions! Either leave a comment or contact me via my google/blogger profile and I will put your world to rights! Either that, or I will forward your comments to the Police if they are hateful. You have been warned.

Crop Circle Convictions!

Two Stoke men, Nigel Neville and Phil Gaylord, have become the first people in Britain to be convicted of creating a crop circle. The pair, members of the choir at St Terry the Enforcer’s Church, created a 36 metre diameter crop circle in a sprout field near Bagnall. Discovered by Police working security at a nearby cockfight, they said in court that they were doing God’s work and only God could judge them.

Nigel and Phil outside Fenton Magistrates Court

This attitude did not go down well with presiding Judge Blairs, who sentenced the pair to 5 years hard labour. Judge Blairs, who fought for General Franco in the Spanish Civil War, plans on spending his retirement by watching Britney Spears videos.

The Steve Identity

This isn't paranormal-related, but I wanted to let you all know about a film I'm involved with. We're currently trying to raise finances to make the film. We've got some money from the Cobridge Film Council but need more before we can start production.

The film will be produced by people from Stoke and is called "The Steve Identity". It's a fast paced action thriller, and will be filmed entirely in movie studios near to Prague, with sets made to recreate the streets of Stoke. We think it would be an ideal vehicle for cockney bad boy actor Danny Dyer. And as we all know, if you get Dyer, you will also get Tamer Hassan. Whether you want him or not. Jonathan Wilkes is also said to be eager to be involved.

Here is the synopsis for the film.

"The Steve Identity"

Director: Dave Burgess

Writer: Phil Burton

Producer: Kevin Thompson

Executive producer: Montgomery Deschanel

A man wakes up in a gutter with two black eyes. He does not know who he is or why he is there. However, he finds an on-the-spot fine ticket for drunken behaviour in his pocket.

The man makes his way to a park bench, where he is bothered by two football fans. They try to start a fight with him because he does not know what football team he supports. Using advanced brawling techniques he didn't know he had such as headbutting and glassing, he beats up the men easily, before running into a nearby Police Station.

In the Police Station, he hands the ticket to the desk officer hoping to find more information about himself. The Officer tells him he's lucky and hands him a wallet that has been handed in. In the wallet, he finds various bank cards and benefit cheques, all to different names. He takes the name on the driving license, Steve Stevens, as his own.

While leaving the police station, he sees Kayleigh Povey, trying to help her friend get released from spending a night in the cells. Steve is then approached by more football fans. He offers Kayleigh a tenner to drive him to Burslem to the address on his driving license. She is suspicious, but needs the money and agrees.

Steve and Kayleigh arrive at the block of flats in Burslem. He dials 1471 on the phone and gets through to the JobCentre. The Job Advisor recognises one of the names on the income support cheques, Nigel Yip, who Steve is told wears an eyepatch and has a limp. But then a skinhead jumps though a window and attacks Steve. Steve shouts "D'yer want some yer slag?" at the skinhead before headbutting him. He then smashes a glass on a table before shoving it into the skinhead's face. In the skinhead's pockets, Kayleigh finds an England flag and a mobile phone with a picture of Steve and her saved in it. She starts crying, so Steve slaps her and tells her to get it together. Meanwhile, the skinhead escapes.

As Steve and Kayleigh leave in her car, they are chased by someone driving a white Vauxhall Nova. A car chase through the Smallthorne roundabouts follows but Steve and Kayleigh escape and go to Kayleigh's council flat in Cobridge.

The next day, they contact the JobCentre again and obtain an address for Nigel Yip. Arriving at the address, which is Port Vale's football ground, Steve concludes that he must be a football hooligan.

Going back to Kayleigh's flat, Steve notices Stoke City fans and decides they are no longer safe in Cobridge. Kayleigh takes Steve to (her stepdad) Mick's house. He is supposed to be in prison for wife-beating, but he shows up with a local stripper called Sharon. He lets them stay the night. The next day, Steve hears a powerful car pull up outside. Steve takes Dave's pool cue and goes into the street to pummel the man (Paul Botts) waiting for him. After getting battered, Paul tells Steve they are in the same Port Vale supporter's group, headed by local crime kingpin Dave Johnson. Steve takes Paul's phone and rings Dave, arranging to meet him by Lake Burslem.

Arriving near the lake, Steve notices some undercover skinheads (wearing hats to hide their haircuts). He decides it isn't safe, so he waits for Dave to leave then follows him home. He breaks in then holds Dave at snooker ball-in-a-sock point. He asks Dave about how he got to the ditch, then has a series of flashbacks. Steve was with the supporter's group ahead of the local derby game against Stoke City. Spotting a Stoke fan in a public toilet, Steve approached intending to beat the crap out of him. However, Steve started to feel pangs of guilt and told the group to lay off it and just go to the game. The group turned on him immediately and gave him the beating of a lifetime, leaving him in the ditch. After fully remembering what happened, Steve tells Dave that he no longer wants to be a hooligan or to support Port Vale. He then smashes Dave's face up a bit for good measure.

Dave is then seen before the supporter's group telling them the group is to be closed down. He then starts to tell them about his new England Supporter's Group...

Later, Steve finds Kayleigh working at a KFC in Fegg Hayes. The pair get off with each other.

THE END

The Stokelantians

The Stokelantians is a cult founded in Goldenhill in the early 1990s by Weiss Uberman. The group believe (and distribute pamphlets claiming) that the original inhabitants of Stoke came from Atlantis; before Atlantis, they were from a galaxy called Powerion. The Powerions derive their power from the energy of the White Sun.

They teach that since the Stoke race has a divine mission to dominate all the other races on Earth as it is of extraterrestrial origin. It is believed by followers that a space fleet is on its way to Earth from Powerion Alpha, which will join forces with them to rule over the Earth.

The Stokelantians were one of the first cults to harness the seductive power of the internet. Uberman, voted Penkhull Bachelor Of The Year in 1986, used the website to post messages from aliens, many of whom wish him and the Stokelantians well in their quest to rule over the Universe, starting with Earth.

Weiss takes a dip in Lake Burslem

In the late 1990s, Uberman claimed that a giant meteorite, known around the universe as Kwanza’s Comet, was heading towards the Earth. The comet would hit the Earth in June 2002, affect the magnetic poles, displace the Earth’s crust and kill most of humanity. This would be similar to a biblical Armageddon. "The fact that it is of extraterrestrial origin proves I’m right and all other religions are wrong," wrote Uberman in his blog.

In July 2002, Uberman claimed that he had helped divert the disaster. "With my help, my alien friends have been able to keep back the comet. I can’t now tell you when it will hit Earth as this will give THE MAN the opportunity to enforce martial law."

The group has been accused of white supremacy, but their leader, Weiss Uberman, refutes this. "The Swastika is actually an ancient Powerion symbol for good luck. There is no racist connotation to it. In fact, there is no racism at all in the Powerion galaxy, as everyone is the same colour. White."

Ken Gayes

Ken Gayes, from Trentham, says he saw a UFO in the late-1950s, which he says "adds credibility to [his] story as UFOs were unfashionable then."

Ken Gayes, yesterday

"I had just eaten an apple, and I sneaked into my neighbour's garden to plant the pips in his prize-winning lawn," explains Ken. "I hoped the pips would grow into trees and ruin his lawn. But then, a large UFO with flashing lights flew over. My neighbour came out and saw me, called me a 'little shit' and threw a turnip at me. The worst thing is that the pips never did grow into trees and ruin his lawn."

Movember

You may have noticed that in November, normally sane people decide to grow moustaches!? No, it's not a case of multiple spirit possession, it's all for charity and I'm happy to say that Stoke are world leaders in supporting this initiative. Players for local football team, Stoke City FC, who many would describe as the best team in the city, are supporting the charity drive to raise awareness of men's health issues.

You can find more information at the Movember UK website:

http://uk.movember.com/?home

This of course reminds me of a famous local old wives' tale.

Mark Woolley is a middle-aged badger farmer from Hanley. He is worried about his thinning moustache hair, which causes tension between him and his nagging wife, who judges a man's masculinity by the power of his moustache. Late one night, Mark sees a satellite TV channel's infomercial about a miracle moustache transplant. He decides to go and visit the doctor, Dr Shipman, who agrees to perform the operation.

Mark wakes up after surgery and removes the bandages and is delighted to see a moustache that Stalin himself would have been proud of.

Despite his intial joy, Mark is soon bothered when he starts having dreams about torturing and killing random strangers. One day, he wakes up next to a dead body! Fortunately, he is able to bury the tramp's body without the police finding out.

Mark goes back to Dr Shipman and finds out that the moustache is a transplant from a recently executed serial killer! It's then he realises that the serial killer's spirit inhabits the moustache and is trying to take over his body. Dr Shipman agrees to remove the moustache but Mark dies on the operating table, not before signing his assets over to Dr Shipman leaving his wife penniless.

Crop Circles: Naked Barry Sheene

The pinnacle of all crop circle formations, a giant picture of a naked Barry Sheene straddling a motorbike, was found near Stockton Brook in April 1989. It measured 90 by 50 feet, with 71 circles.

Two men from Milton, Danny Ryland and Timmy Crips, announced in 1991 that they had made the circle. They say they conceived the idea as a prank whilst speed-dating at an oxygen bar in 1986. Inspired by media stories of other crop circles, they made their crop circles using planks, rope and pork pie hats as their only tools; using a four-foot-long plank attached to a rope, they created circles eight feet in diameter. The pork pie hats made them look good while they were doing it. They were able to make an 8 foot circle in a matter of minutes.

The pair became frustrated when their work did not receive any publicity, so in 1990 they created a circle in a field in Stockton Brook next to the main road so that a clear view of the field was available to drivers passing by. Their design was a simple circle. When UFO correspondent Jeremy Bulb of The Stoke Daily Gargoyle claimed that the circles were caused naturally, an enraged Ryland and Crips responded by making a far more complex pattern: a 50 foot high picture of snooker player Dennis Taylor’s face!

Northern Irish snooker player Dennis Taylor

Ryland’s wife had by this time become suspicious of him, noticing high levels of mileage in their car and copies of Bulb’s articles in his underpant drawer. Fearing that her husband was having an affair with Bulb, Mrs Ryland followed Bulb home to his penthouse apartment in Trentham and killed him with a single gunshot wound to the head. At the end of her murder trial in 1992, presiding Judge Blairs said in his closing remarks: "You may have killed on a misunderstanding, but you enjoyed your kill, rubbing your victim’s blood over your face as a sign of victory. Now get this woman out of my court. I never want to see her ugly face again." She was given a 375 year prison sentence, with a chance for parole after 225 years

Mr Ryland re-married in 2002, after a chance meeting with a young Malaysian woman on the internet. He says he has made crop circles as recently as 2004. Ryland has said that, had it not been for his wife's murder spree (she killed 12 more people during a low speed hovercraft chase while on the run from Police), he would have taken the secret to his deathbed, never revealing that it was a hoax all along. Crips finally succumbed to the tinnitus that had haunted him since childhood in the summer of 1998.

Crop Circles: A Cynic's View

Of course, not everyone believes that crop circles are of extraterrestrial origin.

Dick Mellor, yesterday

Traffic warden Dick Mellor, who wears an orthopaedic shoe on his left foot because he suffers from hammer toe, self-published a leaflet in 1998 called 'Crop Circles: A Truth Punch To The UFO Face by Traffic Warden Dick Mellor'. He wrote: "If crop circles are the work of hoaxers, then they should stop doing it now. They are breaking the law, embarassing the city and molesting the local food supply. If aliens from another planet are responsible, they should return at once to where they came from and leave us alone. And if supernatural, the beings responsible should realise that us Stokies do not stand for this kind of thing; we are not willing to accept supernatural happenings of any kind. Not in this town and not on my watch."

Critics of Mellor are not shy in coming forward. "He's a fucking tit-munching monkey bollock, and you can quote me on that," says leading medium Crystal O'Future. Dave Munton once described Mellor as a "knob-toed bender".

Crop Circles

The phenomenon of crop circles became widely known in Stoke in the late 1980s, after media reports of crop circles in Baddeley Green. To date, approximately 1000 crop circles have been discovered across Stoke, mainly along the eastern side of the city.

After publicity in the media, crop circle activity skyrockets. Each new design seems to be more complex than earlier ones. Today, crop circle designs have increased in complexity to the point where they have become an art form. Crop circle hoaxer Mike Parson, in an interview with Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Crop Circles Foundation), spoke about this change in crop circle designs.

"I am rather envious of circle-makers in other counties. Expectations about the size and complexity of formations that appear in Stoke are now very high, whereas the rather shabby looking Derbyshire crop circles made the national news. Even Wade Saggory, deputy general of Derbyshire County Council, was on the news banging on about it; 'There is no doubt that it was not man made... an unknown object definitely landed there.' If the same formation appeared in Stoke it would undoubtedly be virtually ignored by researchers and the media alike."

Most people in Stoke believe the circles are messages from alien life forms. Most scientists dispute this, claiming there is no evidence of alien involvement. The fact that many crop circles appear near to Stokehenge or the city’s stargates is what leads many to believe they are extraterrestrial in origin. Many hippies believe crop circles give off sexual energy, which is why you often see copulation at crop circle locations. Some people even claim to have seen UFOs or lights in the sky near to crop circle locations.

Among crop circle supporters was singer Michael Jackson who, prior to his death, argued that some circles displayed a level of weird that even he could barely comprehend it, let alone produce one in a field after dark with the help of a large group of children. Even Hispanic children, his favourite type, and the most hard-working.

The earliest recorded image claimed to be a crop circle is depicted in a 17th century Stoke pottery work called the Doulton Devil. The image shows the Devil cutting a phallic design in a field of nettles with a big sword. The pamphlet that comes with the pottery states that the farmer, disgusted at the high price of African slaves, insisted that he would rather make a deal with the Devil to complete the work than pay for the slaves.

Typical crop circle pattern

In 1976 one of the most famous accounts of UFO-related circles happened in Sneyd Green. A dandelion farmer said he witnessed a saucer-shaped craft rise 40 or 50 feet up from the swamp and then fly away. When he went to investigate the location where he thought the saucer had landed, he found the reeds had melted then solidified into a round tartan pattern on top of the water. The reeds could hold the weight of 10 dwarves.

Some farmers and land-owners have expressed concern at the damage caused to their land and crops by crop circles, although local response to the appearance of a crop circle can often be enthusiastic, with locals taking advantage of the tourist potential of circles. Past ventures have included bus or helicopter tours of circle sites, walking tours, t-shirts and porngraphic movies. Potential markets include scientists and crop circle researchers, individuals seeking a spiritual experience by praying to and communing with spirits, curious tourists and perverts.

Your Love Stars With Crystal O'Future

Capricorn

The chances of meeting someone are pretty slim right now, so hope and pray you don't get any wrist injuries any time soon.

Destiny is a West Ham fan.

Aquarius

Venus is currently in your alleyway, urinating against the wall while smoking crack. However, Venus is good at matchmaking.

Destiny has stolen its neighbour's shed.

Pisces

The alliance between Mars and the Sun is unlikely to result in children, but it does tell you to go and sleep around.

Destiny bitches about you behind your back.

Aries

A discovery at home under the patio spells trouble for your family, while an enchanting new stranger who speaks of tag-team wrestling enters your life.

Destiny is innocent until proven guilty.

Taurus

Don't be a fool it's only blood. Jupiter is hanging around with you, taking pot shots at people for you with Cupid's bow, which it stole when Cupid wasn't looking.

Destiny has eyes bigger than its belly.

Gemini

A newly-wed spies potential partners for you, but soon gives up and tells you to go to a club and try it on with some drunken skanks.

Destiny's best friend has had a leg amputated.

Cancer

Cupid thinks you stole his bow and shows up with a baseball bat.

Destiny is attracted to Anthea Turner.

Leo

The torrid but orgasmic relationship between the Sun and Mars fills you with verve and energy, but you soon feel tired and go to bed for a nap.

Destiny likes to watch.

Virgo

Venus moves into your love zone on a hovercraft, meaning new love at the seaside.

Destiny puts out on a first date.

Libra

A new relaxed attitude will appeal to "K". Try to find out the other letters of K's name.

Destiny says there's plenty in this game for two in a bed.

Scorpio

You're working too hard, so chillax. Love talks to you in a deep voice.

Destiny has always had a dance element to its music.

Sagittarius

Mercury tells you to travel, Mars tells you to stay but be promiscuous. Unsure of what to do, you ask for a fist-fight to decide.

Destiny takes pleasure in the misfortune of others.

Introducing... Crystal O'Future

If you live in Stoke, there's no bigger player on the paranormal or celebrity scene than Crystal O'Future.

"Is there a Monty here?"

Born Bev Scaggs in Norton to parents Terry and Kendra in an unspecified year ("I don't view time as a linear concept," she explains), Crystal connected with spirit guide Alan at a young age.

After finishing school and obtaining a 2:2 in Media Studies at Stoke Polytechnic, Crystal started working as a spiritual adviser to several of Stoke's coal mines, where she met future husband Keith Coolio. (Keith changed his name to Scaggs after their marriage.)

Renaming herself at spirit guide Alan's insistence, Crystal quite literally poured her heart and soul into the paranormal, working as a psychic, medium, spiritualist and astrologer in the Stoke area for many years, eventually becoming a leading light in the local scene.

As well as being astrologer for local newspapers The Daily Gargoyle and The Evening Oatcake, Crystal has written several books including 'A Medium Life', 'Scaggs For The Memories', 'Scaggs To The Future', 'The Psychic Cookbook' and the best-selling 'Crystal O'Future: My Story'.

Crystal has appeared on many TV shows including her own ITV2 specials 'Crystal O'Future: Star Psychic' and 'Crystal's Christmas House Party', and she appeared in 'Peter Andre: Going It Alone' in 2009, where she investigated the Australian pop muncher's new property. She advised Mr Andre that his property was haunted and that he needed to bury some badger bones at a nearby pet cemetary to appease angry spirits, something he did gladly.

Crystal is also the personal spiritualist to local darts world champion "Fingers" Phil Taylor. Taylor, who was convicted in 2001 of indecently assaulting two female fans in a camping van (something Crystal has distanced herself from), owes much of his success to Crystal's guidance.

Crystal was also implicated in the recent phone-hacking allegations involving The Daily Gargoyle newspaper, something she vehemently denies. ("It's a big bag of hairy old man's bollocks," she says on the topic.)

Lake Burslem Monster: Investigation Bureau

The Lake Burslem Investigation Bureau (LBIB) was set up in 1959 to act as a research organisation for information about the great beast. The LBIB established camera stations with both still and video cameras with telephoto lenses. They had burger vans around the lake which also served as mobile camera stations, and underwater listening devices attached to old boots and fridges that had been thrown in the lake. Searches were conducted using hot-air balloons (manned by orphans), small submarines (manned by circus midgets) and sonar scanners attached to crabs. A great deal of information was discovered about the lake, especially about crabs, but they have yet to produce any concrete evidence of a monster.

In the early 1970s, a group led by American DeWayne Boxcar obtained some underwater photographs that vaguely resembled a flipper. The underwater photos were obtained by painstakingly scouring the lake’s depths with sonar-enabled crabs, over the course of days, for unusual underwater activity. An underwater camera was then stapled onto a fish (fitted with a light necessary for penetrating Lake Burslem’s famously murky water) to record images from below the surface. Some of the resulting photographs seem to show a creature resembling a plesiosaur in various positions and lightings.

Bursie's flipper?

On the basis of this photograph, Sir Giles Gallywag, one of Britain's best-known naturalists and fox-hunters, announced in 1973 that the scientific name of the monster would henceforth be Burslemas Veritas. This would enable Bursie to be added to a British register of officially protected wildlife.

Lake Burslem Monster: Case Histories

Down the years, there have been many hundreds of sightings of the Lake Burslem Monster. Here is a selection of some of the most significant.

06 August 1968

During Stoke's "Summer Of Love", a year later than everyone else's, Dr Doomsday (real name: Mick Beanstalk) and his “family” [cult] from Kent watched what they described as the head of a large animal move through the lake in the early evening. The family, who worship aliens and believe in free love, were sunbathing on top of their Love Bus. They described the head as larger than that of an alien. Regular visitors to the area, the family were convinced it was not a boat wake or wave movement that they had seen.

25 March 1973

American Buck Rockhauser was shooting fish from his boat on the lake one afternoon when he says that Bursie lifted her tail out of the water and knocked him overboard. “Instead of panicking, I swam to shore then started shooting at Bursie instead of the fish. I think I got it at least once,” he explained.

Artist's impression of Bursie

30 July 1977

Sharon Bender, a retired wife from Hanley, was fly-tipping some old fish into Lake Burslem when she got a big surprise: Bursie popped her head out of the water to see what she was doing! Sharon immediately turned and ran back to her car, before driving to a local newspaper to sell her story.

06 May 1986

Paul “Coops” Cooper from Norton was taking a series of pictures of his penis near to the Spitfire Caverns, on the eastern side of the lake. When he got home and developed the pictures, he was surprised to see Bursie’s head and neck coming out of the water behind him!

10 January 1993

Local gymnastics enthusiast Dave Knight saw a six foot long creature leave the lake, look around, then perform a dance similar to the one Genesis did in their 'I Can’t Dance' music video, before re-entering the lake. This happened for about 2-3 minutes close to Cheg's Castle early in the morning. Knight, who recently beat up a tramp, readily admits he was drunk at the time of the sighting, but hopes people will still believe his story anyway.

09 June 1997

A retired Mariner (Captain Jeff Buckles) was in charge of a booze cruise just south of Phil Taylor Bay when they were overtaken by an unknown object which was between them and the west shore. Unlike anything any of the sober people on the boat had seen before, the sighting lasted for just over a minute with whatever it was only disappearing as they moved the boat towards it. Captain Buckles, who once dated TV personality Liza Tarbuck, said that there was no rational explanation for what they had seen. Apart from the existence of Bursie that is!

22 November 2001

For the first time since the assassination of JFK in 1963, Bursie was spotted out of the water on the shores of Lake Burslem by Spanish tourist Pedro Navaz. The Spaniard, who has since been imprisoned in Italy for conspiracy to linger with intent, claimed the unique sighting took place in the early evening on the beach between Robbie Williams Point and Phil Taylor Bay. Bursie, described as being between 10-15 metres in length with a long neck, scurried off into the water as Navaz approached with a big sword.

17 July 2005

Russ Abbott, yesterday

Famous 1980s comedian Russ Abbott took pictures of a wake moving against the current from his balcony at the Boslem Hotel during the mid-afternoon. It was around midday when the former funny man, touring the Midlands with Geoffrey Durham (aka: The Great Soprendo) in a production of ‘Porgy and Bess’, spotted what he first thought to be a dead black midget’s body floating on the surface of the lake. It appeared to be about three feet long and one foot tall at its highest point. The object then moved against the wave formation in the area creating a wake as it did so. Abbott, famous for his TV Madhouse, saw some kind of water disturbance about three feet behind the black coloured object, which appeared to rise slightly out of the water before submerging. An experienced whale hunter, Abbott said that he had never before seen anything like it. Whether Russ threw a party after his encounter, a party with a happy atmosphere, and attended by Les Dennis and Bella Emberg, is unknown.

15 September 2006
Bill Wilkes, owner of the Lake Burslem Caravan Park, took five pictures of what he described as a 4 feet high head and neck while he was dogging at a car park by the Lake. He said he saw a long neck come out of the water and had time to return to his caravan, get his camera, and return to take the pictures. Previously a non-believer, he said that the creature could only have been Bursie and that he would now devote himself to proving Bursie’s existence to the detriment of everything else in his life, especially his marriage to wife Sue, aged 50.

25 July 2008

Spotted on a Lake Burslem webcam, regular Bursie watcher Chip Steele spotted something come out of the water and disappear a few minutes later. Steele, an American Gladiator (stage name: Thrush), doesn’t believe that Bursie is evil. “I can’t imagine him using his power for bad,” he says.

Lake Burslem Monster: The History

The Lake Burslem Monster, sometimes called “Bursie” or “Bossie” is a creature reported to live in Lake Burslem. Burslem is located south of the mountainous Fegg Hayes area and north of the Forested area of Central Forest Park. Lake Burslem is around 12 miles long and 1 mile wide, and is more than 1000 feet deep and ice free.

The western edge of Lake Burslem

Bursie is one of the best-known mysteries in the world, though most mainstream scientists regard Bursie reports as hoaxes or misidentification of mundane creatures.

Some local researchers, included noted psychic Crystal O’Future and Paul Brown (Managing Director of the Paul Brown Bossie Foundation) postulate that there are no anomalous physical creatures within the lake. These researchers argue that many of the reported sightings must be attributed to hoaxes or misidentification of conventional creatures and objects because of the absence of physical evidence.

Most accounts of Bursie describe a creature resembling the long-extinct plesiosaur. Fossils of this creature show that it had a long neck, small head and flippers; most of the Bursie witnesses describe something similar. A gaping red mouth and horns or antennae on the top of the creature's head is often mentioned by witnesses. Bursie’s movements have been studied, and the films and photos analysed to determine what Bursie might be, if she exists. But some other sightings describe Bursie differently.

Theories as to the exact nature of the Lake Burslem Monster sightings are varied: misidentification of seals, fish, logs, mirages and light distortion, crossing of boat wakes, or unusual wave patterns. Very large octopus have also been found in Lake Burslem, and due to octopus’s size and unusual appearance, one could easily be mistaken for a monster by someone not familiar with it. Local paranormal expert and pikelet impresario Dave Munton argues that only a small residue of reported lake sightings could be paranormal or supernatural in nature. Munton, who has a conviction for sexual fraud, believes Bursie is a pan-dimensional time-traveller, here to warn us against the dangers of pollution, global warming and other similar issues. He does not give a reason why he believes that.

Some sheep near to Lake Burslem

Carvings have been found in caves near to the lake, believed to have been made almost 2000 years ago by the ancient inhabitants of Burslem. These carvings show an aquatic beast eating nudists who dared to venture too close to the lake. The earliest recorded literary reference is a diary by Italian Monk St Kevin of Palermo, who claimed in 532 AD that he fought off the monster when it attacked the naked young boys who were accompanying him on a journey. Critics have questioned the reliability of the source, noting a different story in which St Kevin slays a wild dragon by the power of his penis. They also point out that, according to his diaries, St Kevin encounters and conquers assorted monsters at various places in Europe throughout his life, always defeating them, often with the power of his penis or testicles. Additionally, it has been pointed out that the Lake Burslem Monster has few other reported instance of attacking anyone, and in fact is generally portrayed as shy and people-avoidant.

In around 1912, a new road was built on the northern shore of the lake, originally designed to allow tourists to access the Fegg Hayes Mountain Range. This new road provided easy access to unobstructed views of the water. Bursie sightings increased immediately and began to draw international attention.

The first modern sighting occurred in January 1913. The Daily Oatcake newspaper carried a story of Paul Sifter, who reportedly saw a massive monster thrashing about on the surface. The report of the "MONSTER!" (a headline chosen by the editor) became a media sensation with newspapers in London, who sent reporters and an elephant circus to Stoke, and offered a reward of 25 pounds for the capture and killing of the monster. In June that year, Phil Mycock claimed to have witnessed Bursie. Mycock, who would go on to die during World War I fighting for Bulgaria, described the creature as having its head set low in the water and opening and closing its mouth as if it was smoking an invisible cigar.

Roy Labrador, Pie Man

On 14 July 1986, competitive pie-eater Roy Labrador discovered a large crater in one of his fields in Trentham. Roy, who doesn't look like a dog but claims he can lick his own genitalia, is in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater. "I am in no doubt that a UFO caused the crater," he says. "It looked like someone had taken a large bite out of the pie that is my field. I didn't actually see or hear the UFO, but it is as clear as pie that one came down to steal some of my potatoes and turnips, perhaps to make a massive interstellar pie."

The event generated a lot of local press attention at the time. Headlines such as "Alien Pies From The Sky" were commonplace.

Roy Labrador, yesterday

Police officers present at the site gave a different explanation. "It was just an old mineshaft that collapsed," says police officer Barry Shanks. "It's as clear as doughnuts. I'm not involved in a cover-up. Honest."

Local UFO expert Paul Brown, chairman of the Paul Brown UFO Club, has a more detailed theory. "It was caused by the landing of a big flying saucer, 337 feet in diameter and weighing 450 tonnes, with a crew of 48 beings. It's as clear as sweets. It was probably a scout ship ahead of some sort of future alien invasion."

Welcome To Stoke-on-Trent!

I see from the blog stats that we have readers from the UK, USA, Germany, Russia and Denmark. That means we're read in four different continents! (Counting Russia as being in Asia and the UK as a separate continent to Europe.)

For those of you not so familiar with Stoke as people in the UK would be, I've put together five essential facts about Stoke.

(1) Stoke is nicknamed "The Potteries" in honour of 18th Century daredevil and illusionist Percival Potter, who performed many of his most famous stunts in the city.

(2) Stoke proclaimed itself independent from the UK in 1974.

(3) People from Stoke consume more WKD per capita than anywhere else in the world.

(4) In WW2, Stoke declared its support for the Allies in 1946 having previously remained neutral.

(5) The Stoke town of Fenton is named after former footballer Graham Fenton who had a loan spell with Stoke City FC in 2000 which locals still talk about to this day.

At some point, I'll put together a complete history of Stoke. God knows the world needs one.