BREAKING NEWS: Cult Erupts Around Storm Ophelia's Red Sun

Stoke has its newest cult: The Ophelians!

Formed off the back of today's red sun, caused by Storm Ophelia blowing north African sands into the sky giving a red hue to the fiery star, and giving Stoke a yellowy glow, The Ophelians! (with exclamation mark) formed on the M6 next to a massive pile-up of crashed cars and dead bodies.

"As soon as I saw her, I knew it was a message from Ophelia, and that I was to be her prophet on Earth," cult leader Tonk Matthews said at an impromptu press conference. "We will be holding our first orgy tonight."

Prophet Matthews denies taking advantage of people suffering from shock at seeing the pile-up. "Those acolytes were stunned by Ophelia's beauty and were willing converts," he replied. "I vetted them all personally in the back of my transit van to make sure."

Ghost Told Man To Vote For Brexit

Stokie Tick Hairforce got some help making his choice at the recent Brexit referendum when a friendly ghost appeared to him the night before and told him to vote LEAVE!

"I was jacking it to some German filth the night before," Tick explained, "When a ghost climbed out of my laptop screen, punched me in the cock then told me to put it away."

Doing what he was told, Tick sheathed his man-dagger, then stood up and demanded answers.

"The ghost, who called himself Sir Sensible, told me in no uncertain terms that I was to vote to leave the European Union on the morrow," Tick said.

Tick describes the ghost as having a moustache and muttonchops, glowing red eyes, a lizard tongue and syringes instead of fingernails. "He said he had Britain's best interests at heart and I believed him," Tick added.

Goldenhill Spirit Box Contact

Goldenhill resident Barry Yonkers says he has no choice but to believe in the paranormal after contacting spirits using a 'spirit box'!

Barry was out dogging one night last week at Goldenhill golf course, having taken what he believed to be an analogue radio along with him. Trying to tune the radio to Signal Gold, Barry could find nothing but white noise on the airwaves.

Barry then said to himself, out loud, "Why the fuck isn't this foreign piece of shit working? Those slave kids who make this bollocks don't deserve a proper fucking wage." Barry was surprised to get a response from the airwaves; "Cus it isn't a radio you fucktard!"

"I thought I had accidentally tuned into some hippy liberal 'alternative' student station or some shit," Barry laughed. "It turned out I was being spoken to by spirits from another dimension."

A spirit box is used by experts to search for beings not able to contact humans by normal means. They are often able to make themselves heard over the white noise produced by the radio-like device.

"I had a bit of banter then got down to a bit of ragging," Barry added. "Got noshed off real good by some proper sloppy bitches. If you find my spirit box out on the course can you leave it at the pro shop please. I think I left it behind the hut by the fifteenth tee."

Cecil The Lion Wants Revenge

Legendary psychic, medium and entrepreneur Crystal O'Future has hit out at the American dentist who killed famous Zimbabwean lion Cecil and vowed to take revenge on behalf of the angry lion.

"Walter Palmer is a monster," Crystal told fans at a lecture in Smallthorne. "I've been in contact with Cecil's spirit and he told me personally that he sanctions a biblical revenge on this American scumbag."

Artist's impression of Cecil the Lion before his death

Palmer caused international outrage when he killed the lion during a hunting holiday in Zimbabwe.

"Even though I'm not allowed to travel to America, I shall be casing havoc in other, more supernatural ways," Crystal added. "And contacting people over the internet."

Fairy Cream

Fairy Cream is a substance which allows humans to see fairies. Be careful though, as a fairy may have tampered with it to harm you!

According to myth, the cream used to be given to newborn babies to calm them and stop their annoying crying. Accidentally, a judge of a newborn baby competition got some in her eyes and was able to see fairies and the grotto they had in the house. After becoming aware of this, the fairies added some of their jizz to the cream to spoil it. When the judge asked other people to try the cream, it just stung their eyes and didn't help them to see the fairies. The judge was branded a madwoman and killed.

The cream also allows humans to see through the lies of fairies. For example, if a fairy has disguised itself as a human midget or leprechaun, the user would see the fairy in its true hideous form, and not its cute leppy form.

"Contrary to public perception, fairies are actually devious swine and should be exterminated," fairy hunting expert Tom Comb said. "Fortunately, their flesh is delicious."

Bonkers Hours

According to local folklore, people born at certain hours of the day are able to see ghosts and communicate with the dead. This crucial time, known as the "bonkers hour" (or "bonkers hours" in some cases), is normally between midnight and 1am, though this varies between Stoke's towns.

The bonkers time itself often corresponds with the hours of prayer in each town, be it monastic or devilish. Burslem, traditionally a God loving town, has its bonkers hours from 11pm until midnight every night, whereas Norton, which has a large devil worshipping population, has Friday 3pm until Monday 9am as its time.

The extremely common Stoke phrase of "born in the bonkers hours", used to refer to someone who is a bit weird, odd, crazy or bent, comes from this myth.

Purple Ivy

Purple Ivy is a witch said to live on a council estate in Bentilee. Feared by locals, who aren't normally scared of anything, let alone a woman, she lives in her hut supposedly spending her days concocting wild potions and spells with which she can wreak havoc across the town.

"She must be 300 year old by now, and not a day younger," Mayor of Bentilee Ted Frazzle said. "Yup."

"She's lived in that same hut since Bentilee was but a madman's dream," Dividy Road warden Slim Ticks said. "Obviously, she's done it up to be more of a shack over the years so it looks the same as all the other houses on the estate now."

"I managed to look in through a window once," local pipsqueak Claude Duvalle said. "I swear she was skinning a live baby over a big cooking cauldron. Which she then pissed in."

But where does Purple Ivy come from?

"Witches aren't born, they're forged in the pits of hell," occult expert Nigel Trundles said. "Or maybe born to a witch or wizard. I dunno."

"I heard she was created from the dead souls of Stoke's forerunners," ancestry expert Bom Bungers said. "But I can't verify that with science. Right now."

Is Purple Ivy a threat?

"She lost her magic powers in a battle with a powerful warlock, that's what we heard," gossip-monger Kimmy Chuckles said. "As punishment for defeat, she was cursed to live in Bentilee for eternity. So, no."

Reader Appeal

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following appeal:

"I'm looking to start a powerful new secret society, here in Stoke. Influential people and professionals from local industry are welcome to join. Grunt workers and scroungers are not. I'm looking to get into the puppet master game. I would like us to rule Stoke from the shadows, as well as hopefully being involved in lots of other shady dealings and conspiracies. I have a coat of arms and secret handshake ready to use. My mum says we can use her house for meetings. She will also provide sarnies and crisps."

If you're interested, please get in touch with Chubb.

Man Gets Driving Ban For Protecting Children From Monsters

A Stokie has been punished after he was caught travelling with four children in the boot of his car. He said he did it to keep them safe from any potential monsters, including the Fegg Hayes Yeti.

Staffordshire Police found a total of 11 people in Barry Chomp's Vauxhall Nova when they stopped him in Fegg Hayes last year. One passenger was in the driver's seat, three adults and two children were squeezed into the back, and officers discovered four more children in the boot.

A recent picture of the Fegg Hayes Yeti

Chomp was convicted of endangering his passengers and of driving without licence or insurance earlier this week at Fenton Magistrates Court. He also was fined £5.50 and banned from driving illegally.

Chomp plans to appeal the decision.

Jesus Statue Weeps Beer

A statue of Jesus eating an oatcake in Tunstall has become a pilgrimage for Christians after it began weeping beer.

"It's truly an Easter miracle," Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Burslem said. "Proof that Jesus is real and has answered our prayers."

Located at the centre of Tunstall town plaza, the statue was built in 1789 to represent oatcakes as the chosen food of God. It started weeping beer yesterday morning, Easter Sunday.

"I see it as a gift from the Easter Badger himself," drinker Steve Dave said. "He always looks after us."