Bigfoot Sighting Starts New Theories

A sighting of Stoke's very own Central Forest Park Bigfoot in Cannock Chase last week has sent experts literally wild with excitement.

Cod Fortune, a knob-tweaker from Stafford, reported seeing Bigfoot in the area on Saturday night, the second such sighting in the past seven years.

Danny Boner, professor of law at Staffordshire University and author of 'Bigfoot: The Wild Years', 'Bigfoot: My Part In His Downfall' and 'Contract Law For Business: The Definitive Guide', said that this is massive news in the Bigfoot world.

"This is literally a game changer," he said. "Why was he or she there? Was it a holiday? Visiting previously unknown (to us) relatives in the area? Was he or she just dicking about? The debates will be endless. Bring your own booze. And plenty of it."

Mewtwo Spotted In Fegg Hayes

Several reports have come in of (a) Mewtwo being spotted in northern Stoke.

"He mumbled something about getting revenge on humanity or something," Bev Biggs, one of the witnesses said. "Seemed a bit nuts to be honest."

"He was wandering around looking lost," Gary Gobbler added. "I could have taken it if I wanted to."

Man From The Past Misses Pulis

A mysterious man who travelled through time from the past to present day Stoke has said that his biggest regret is not waving goodbye to Tony Pulis when he left Stoke City.

Dave Monkey claims he is from January 2013, and that he transported to the present day via a time portal in Sneyd Green.

"If I'd known TP was going to leave Stoke I would have travelled back in time to when he first took charge so that I could enjoy him for longer," Monkey said.

"We were dubious at first, but he does know a lot about the time he comes from," scientist Larry Candles said. "He knows all the words to 'Call Me Maybe'."

Treasure Island

Treasure Island is the smallest island on Benny Island, on Lake Baps, the largest lake on Benny Island. It is so called because it contains absolutely no treasure, nor has any ever been found there, even though it used to house pirates who operated on the lake. The island does contain some of the world's oldest cave paintings, though these are considered worthless.

Dragon Roast Island

Dragon Roast Island is the largest island on Benny Island, located on Lake Zora, the smallest lake on Benny Island. The island is home to Death Mountain, one of the biggest free standing rock formations in Stoke.

An unusual weather phenomenon means that the top of the mountain is always covered in clouds, even if there is no others in the sky. Legend says that these clouds are actually smoke produced by Grumpy Ole Terry, the dragon that lives on top of the mountain, who spends his days chucking rocks at passers by down below.

Benny Island

Benny Island, located on Lake Burslem, is the largest island in Stoke. It is home to a series of underwater caves, which are home to powerful spirits of long dead fish people from a bygone age.

These spirits are of the elders of an extinct race called x who ruled the area before humans had fully evolved. Feeding on cockles, the race died out due to laziness.

Unfortunately, the spirits of this master race haven't been fully investigated as there are no paranormal investigators in Stoke who happen to have the necessary underwater skills to check them out or make contact with their spirits. As such, much of what we know about them is pure speculation.

Some of that speculation includes that they were demons, tortured crabs and poked stuff with tridents for fun.

Hypnotist Convicted

Fenton hypnotist Cameron David has been sentenced to 12 hours imprisonment after being found guilty of abusing his magic powers.

David was found to have coerced women through hypnosis into handies, blowies and posing for nude pictures. One woman also claimed he got her to do a shit in the middle of his neighbour's lawn as part of a long running dispute.

While the criminal sentence isn't that large, the punishment he receives from the city's magic community could be.

"The punishment he gets from Stoke's Magic Council could be anything," magic expert Steve Dregs said. "He could get imprisoned in a cube of pure energy, he could be sent to another dimension for eternity, or he could just be asked to hand over any pictures and videos he made while doing it and that's it. It’s anybody's guess, really."

Dinosaur Bones Found At KFC

Staff at KFC in Hanley got a shock this week when a member of the public returned his order because it contained dinosaur bones!

Ian Yikes had ordered a KFC 'Bone Bucket' to tuck into a tasty meal, only to find that he had been served some bigger bones than normal.

"Normally, the KFC Bone Bucket only contains chicken bones, we don't know how dinosaur bones got in there," branch manager Tony Tots said. "Nor will we be investigating."

Mr Yikes first had suspicions when he got his bucket at the counter. "The bones are typically around 2-3 inches in length," the 48-year-old badger whisperer said. "These were about 24 inches in length, at least. I was wary, but concluded it was my lucky day. That was until I started to piece the bones together to find that they constructed a fully grown velociraptor."

Experts have declared that piecing dinosaur bones back together will not bring them back to life.

Possessed Photocopier Abuses People

Office workers in Hanley have complained about a photocopier in their workplace that has come alive and started to abuse staff.

Workers at Barry & Company first became aware of the problem when office tea lady Jenny Kump tried to photocopy her arse, only to be told: "Get that fat arse off me you filthy slag."

"It got to the point that every time we went near to the machine, it started to abuse people," office admin manager Greg Chapters said. "We had to send it back. I love 'top bantz' as much as the next man, but this was too much."

"The abuse was getting pretty bad," confirmed grunt worker Mick Yip. "It had gone too far for most. Though it was still the best copier in the office, so I've kind of got mixed feelings. The replacement copier is shit, though it isn't alive and doesn't call me a 'cock munching shit sock'."

"This kind of thing does happen occasionally," office supplier Hammers Ltd spokesman Ted Spiders said. "It's not that big of a deal."

Dragon Ball Stoke

A new think piece by experts at Staffordshire University has said that dragons may have lived in Stoke as recently as the 1970s when they were probably displaced by council estates.

"We've found lots of evidence of burned stuff all over Stoke," Professor Burt Daydream wrote. "We recently discovered a burned out Ford Cortina with a dead body in it in some woods in Fegg Hayes. It has been there for quite some time. We believe a dragon did this. There was also a strong smell of piss in the area. Again, we believe a dragon was responsible, maybe the same one."