Ghost Ship Headed To Stoke

A deserted cruise ship crawling with cannibal badgers could be heading towards Stoke. The 301ft ship, The King Barry, has been seen floating up the River Trent since being set adrift by authorities in Bermuda last summer. Recent storms may have driven The King Barry towards Stoke.

The ship was deserted by her crew three years before being set adrift. It is feared the ship may have become overrun with badgers since that time.

"Aye, she be on her way to Stoke," says fishrman and marine expert Bill Spatz. "Stoke be like yer crack cocaine to deserted vessels. She'll be here soon, mark my words. Aye."

The location of the 4,300 tonne ship remains a mystery despite several attempts to find her. Stoke's port authority has sent search parties along the River Trent with guns.

Business As Usual

Stoke's Council of Elders has advised Stokies to go about their business as usual despite the presence of a giant UFO that is hovering over the city.

"The UFO is no threat to Stoke and people should get on with their lives as normal," Elders spokesman Barry Riley advised. "Stopping in the streets and gawping up at it is a health and safety risk to drivers and people who do it will be prosecuted."

The UFO arrived three days ago and has hovered over the city ever since. No contact has been made with the ship or its inhabitants.

"The UFO will leave when it is good and ready," added Mr Riley. "Furthermore, we do not want any locals to try and rob it. We caught one man trying to reach it with a massive ladder. We will be watching."

On The (Grave) Rob

Staffordshire Police have confirmed that they are investigating a spate of grave robberies across the city which have involved the theft of several dead bodies.

"We're at a loss as to why this is happening," said police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "We've literally got no idea. Why anybody would want a dead body is beyond me. Unless it's for deviant purposes, then it would make sense, in a funny kind of way."

Man To Create "Frankenstein" Monster For Charity

Trent Vale caretaker Jim Bonkers has decided to take on an ambitious project for charity: he is going to create a monster from dead body parts!

"The idea struck me when I was watching 'Hollyoaks' one day," said the 55-year-old. "I wondered what would happen if I mixed together my favourite parts from my favourite actresses on the show to create one perfect super hot slut. I thought it sounded good."

Mr Bonkers has not disclosed where he will get the body parts from. "Seems legit though," he explained.

All money raised will go to the Help For Heroes charity. "I see all the coverage they get in the media so I know it must all be good work that's above board," says Jim.

Donations can be made by going to the Just Giving website and searching for "Bonkers monster".

Mr Bonkers hopes to unveil the monster before the end of the year. "Once I've got the body parts, I will have to set about re-animating my monster. This could take days if not weeks of research. I'll then need to train the monster for polite society. This will be my biggest challenge," he explains.

The Ghost Of Christmas Past?

Did the ghost of Michael Jackson visit Stoke over Christmas? That's what Cobridge resident Deb Ridehard says happened, regardless of your answer to that first question.

"MJ flew into my room on Christmas Eve after my parents had sent me to bed," Deb wrote on her Tumblr blog. "He cuddled me and told me Santa would come soon."

Jacko, known as the "Kong of Pop", was a Jehovah's Witness but later changed his religion to something else that allowed him to celebrate Christmas, something he did every year by inviting lots of children to his house.

"MJ got into bed with me and stroked my hair til I fell asleep," Deb added. "He didn't nonce me off or nothing. Haters gonna hate."

One Night In November

In November and December 1980, the eastern side of Stoke was experiencing a major UFO sighting wave. There were chases of UFOs by police cars near Stockton Brook and a UFO that overflew an oil rig on Lake Burslem.

The UFO, photographed over Lake Burslem

PC Keith Jellies was on patrol on the night of 28 November 1980. Just before dawn he drove along Bummer Road in Sneyd Green looking for some badgers that had been reported missing. They were only found after sun-up, mysteriously relocated in a blood-soaked field in Endon.

Jellies was about to go back to base to sign off duty when he saw a large mass a few hundred yards ahead. At first, he thought it was a hovercraft, but he soon realised that it was something strange. It was a fuzzy oval that rotated at such speed and hovered so low that it was causing the prostitutes by the side of the road to fall over. Then there was a burst of light, and the next thing he knew he was driving his car again, further along Bummer Road, with no sign of the UFO or the prostitutes.

Concerned as to possible ridicule, PC Jellies at first chose not to make an official report, but changed his mind later that day when he got drunk with his children. 

Jellies filed an official report, but was surprised when police chose to sack him instead of investigating further. He went home and killed his wife and children, then himself, with a .44 Magnum handgun. Because of the incident, Staffordshire Police vowed to take UFO sightings more seriously.

The Longport Leprechaun

Famed throughout Stoke for his cheeky sense of humour and lack of height, stories of the Longport Leprechaun have been around for literally ages.

According to local legend, the Leprechaun spends his time making bras, and burying any money he makes near to a pot bank on an industrial estate in Longport. If captured, he offers three wishes in exchange for his release.

Dressed in a green tracksuit and red baseball cap, possibly to hide a balding pate, the Leprechaun is thought to operate alone, though it is unknown if there is one or many who live in the area. Experts believe them to live underground, maybe in the cave system underneath Longport.

Actual Leprechaun not pictured

Meetings with the Leprechaun are often and varied.

"On Halloween, he came to my door asking for sweets," Jill Conkers reported in 1986. "I told him to do one but he chucked toilet rolls all over the car I had up on bricks in my front yard."

"He said he'd grant me three wishes if I showed him my dugs," said Leeanne Stump in 1994. "I got 'em out but he fucked off, laughing like a little bastard."

"I captured him once," Phil Pulse claimed in 2007. "My three wishes were for pork scratchings, a pint of beer and a 'handie'. Fair play to him, he pulled through for me and I let him go."

Woman Gives Birth To Ghost

A Stoke woman being investigated for benefit fraud has had her investigation suspended while her claim that she gave birth to a ghost are checked.

Gabbee Bonkers, 21, from 24 Blizzard Street in Birches Head, had been claiming child benefit and income support for her fourth child, Billy, for over a year when a social worker paid her a visit to find no evidence of Billy.

A baby dressed as a ghost

Ms Bonkers, currently on holiday in Kavos, told investigators that she had given birth to a ghost in a home birth but had previously been too embarrassed to say anything. She says she also didn't know how to stop her benefits.

"I'm going to stick my neck out and say that this story is true," says psychic, medium and Gabbee's literary agent, Crystal O'Future. "This is a real game changer in the world of ghost babies."

Police Turn To Psychics To Find Missing Pervert

Rather than put out an APB, Staffordshire Police have asked psychics for their help in finding convicted paedophile Ted Screamer.

"We will have a two week sift of applications before a rigorous interview process," says spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "After we choose our candidate, we will get security clearance for them which can take upto four months, then we will be in a position to start our induction programme. After that is complete, we can get down to the business of trying to find this pervert."

Ted Screamer has been described as one of Stoke's most dangerous men.

"That is why we are not taking this process lightly," added PC Shanks.

Halloween Round-Up

Halloween in Stoke is always a grand affair and this year was no different, with a 75% increase in reported deaths, setting a new city record for the holiday.

A bad heroin batch accounted for some of the deaths though city officials are putting the increase down to angry loners on top of churches taking pot shots at people with sniper rifles.

Staffordshire Police have warned revellers that 5 November is the busiest night of the year for murderers as they can burn their victims's bodies on bonfires almost undetected.