A series of alternative therapy health services in North Staffordshire face being cut back or scrapped after a councillor read a Wikipedia article saying that they are unproven.
"Looking at our health budget, we spend more on alternative therapies than we do on hospitals and GPs and shit," says city councillor Bert Barcroft. "And this must change. Therapies such as 'buttock frenching', 'psychic pumping' and 'soul clamming' are not health practises recognised by the experts. As far as I am aware. Though I could be wrong, and often am."
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| Celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future (real name: Bev Scaggs) |
"I don't care what the so-called 'experts' reckon," says celebrity psychic Crystal O'Future. "I know better and I know that these therapies work. A chat with any of the vulnerable old ladies who pay £150 per session for my services can testify to that. TESTIFY!"
Tracy Cocking is Stoke's leading practitioner of 'hate dancing', where she gets criminals to dance the illegal tendencies right out of their body. "My work is tried and tested," she says. "Over 5% of crims who come to my studio do not get caught re-offending again within 3 weeks of seeing me. That is under threat now. It's a disgrace."
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